


Marvin's Adventures in US Politics

by defeatedbyabridge



Category: Looney Tunes | Merrie Melodies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-21
Updated: 2008-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 01:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1624619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/defeatedbyabridge/pseuds/defeatedbyabridge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marvin's done something very, very bad. Duck Dodgers needs to seek help from an unusual source.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Marvin's Adventures in US Politics

**Author's Note:**

> Written for technosage

 

 

Ianto had to admit, an anthropomorphic duck with a hint of a speech impediment was a new one. He continued monitoring the CCTV for Tosh while she was in the loo, and kept an ear on Jack's not terribly hushed conversation by the stairs. 

"I've tracked him to London, and I need your help," the duck was hissing urgently at Jack. "I need Torchwood, because you're part of bloody Torchwood. I don't like it any more than you do, Harkness, but he needs us. He needs you."

"Look, Daffy," Jack began firmly.

"Duck Dodgers, to you," the duck retorted, getting right up in Jack's face. Tiny beads of saliva flew out of his beak, hitting Jack square in the cheek. "Many things have changed since we last saw you."

Jack's only response to that was to raise his eyebrows. "Fancy name. I can't just drop everything based on what you're telling me, Dodgers."

"Nearly as fancy as 'Captain Jack'," Dodgers shot back, then he set his beak in an oddly firm expression, and dropped a tiny bead on the floor, as Tosh came back to her desk. She made a face at Dodgers and Jack. Ianto shrugged, and gave up on pretending to be discreetly not listening. 

He strolled over next to Jack, who gave him an impatient look. The look that sometimes said, 'why aren't you naked yet' and sometimes said 'coffee, NOW, dammit' and sometimes said 'yes yes yes I suppose you can see this tiny part of my previous life even though I am surely risking the safety of the universe by allowing you any kind of glimpse into my personal life'. 

Ianto preferred the first version, of course. He raised his eyebrows back at Jack, and absentmindedly handed Jack the handkerchief from his pocket. He wanted to see this. He had an impression it was going to be important. 

Jack wiped his face. Dodgers took a bottle of water out of a pocket somewhere - Ianto took an idle moment to be impressed with that, considering Dodgers wasn't actually wearing pants - unscrewed the lid, and tipped a thin stream of water onto the bead. All while glaring at Jack. 

With a VWOORP and a GLOOP, the bead expanded instantly into a seven foot tall alien with a little shiny skirt and gleaming black skin. It held a giant raygun -- more than a little phallic, to be honest -- with ACME printed on the side. Ianto stepped back, because he'd been nearly killed by more than enough objects that didn't actually look threatening to NOT be disturbed by the ones that DID. Being nearly eviscerated by a plate of hors d'oeuvres tends to give one a new perspective. Ianto hadn't known previously that alien cheese puffs could eat through your lower intestine from the outside, instead of just from the inside like normal cheese puffs. 

Jack, who of course had to be cool, merely looked the alien up and down and said to Dodgers, "You forgot his mouth." 

Dodgers flinched, giving a despairing quack. "You've forgotten that much, Jack? That much? They don't HAVE mouths. They're modeled on all Martians. They're just like HIM." 

Jack was silent for a long moment. Ianto felt more than heard Toshiko come up next to him. He leaned into her, both of them looking at Jack. "Who's 'him'?" Ianto asked finally. 

"Marvin," Dodgers said, and the bitterness in his voice was more than enough to offset the cuteness of his little green cap and green shirt. "Jack's former boyfriend." 

"Fine. You're right, okay? I'll go talk to him," Jack said, trying to slip an arm around Dodgers. Dodgers glared at him until he removed it. "I'm sorry he reacted like this. But I never said I was in love with him."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Another former boyfriend? Jack, is there anyone you HAVEN'T slept with on this planet?" 

"Me," Tosh said chirpily, but then her face fell. "Uh, is there any reason for that, Jack?" 

Dodgers stared at them both, his face a study in confusion and anger. He shook his head, and pulled out -- again, from somewhere Ianto couldn't see and didn't want to know about -- a raygun with ACME DEHYDRATOR written on the side. 

Jack inspected the giant black soldier, looking him up and down thoughtfully. "Hm. Could be dangerous, you're right, Dodg- you saying you're interested, Tosh?"

"I mean, I know some people are put off by people with brains," Tosh muttered to herself, "but I'm not unattractive, am I?"

Dodgers fired the dehydrator. The soldier gave a menacing scowl, then collapsed to his knees with a loud CLANK, one hand raised beseechingly towards Dodgers. "I'm a mite parched. Any chance of a pint?" 

Dodgers sighed, and adjusted the settings on his Dehydrator. He fired again.

"Hey, you're pretty, Tosh, and I'm not stupid," Ianto protested. "Right, Jack?"

The soldier looked like a black prune now. "Waaaaater," he wheezed. 

"You're dethpicable," Dodgers muttered at his Dehydrator. He adjusted the settings again.

Jack grinned desperately. "Ianto, you're pretty, Tosh, you're smart. Or, um, the other way around. Or both! Yes, I like both. And seriously, if you both want to have sex later, that's fine. Really."

Dodgers tensed, and scowled as only a duck with a large orange beak could scowl. He fired at the soldier again, who now obligingly changed into a little black bead again and dropped to the floor, rolling round and round with a roingroingroing sound. Dodgers crouched and picked it up. "And that's exactly why Marvin went crazy. Because of you and your inability to keep your legs shut. I had to track him all the way here from the twenty-fourth and a halfth century and I'm not happy, Harkness. Not happy at all."

Ianto turned to Tosh. "You think I'll go crazy and try to take over the world if Jack dumps me?"

Tosh considered that for a moment, just as Gwen came bouncing in. "Ianto's going to take over the world?" 

Tosh nodded. "Apparently."

"Bags chief minion," Owen said, yawning, from his medical pit thing. Ianto jumped. He hadn't even realized Owen was there; he was surprisingly quiet when he was asleep. Unlike Jack, who didn't snore but liked to issue orders in his sleep. 

"You can't be chief minion. Your idea of good coffee is that chain place down the road. They scald it every time," Ianto snapped. There was absolutely no way he was employing Owen if he did take over the world. Well, perhaps he could be chief medical officer, or something, though was he thinking of Star Trek instead of politics there? He'd certainly trust Owen with people's wellbeing, but not if it involved hot drinks. 

"Can you all just shut up and get on with the job?" Dodgers snarled. 

Jack shook his head apologetically. "I'm afraid that's impossible. We can do the work, but the keeping quiet part is a little more difficult. Come on, everyone, we're going to America." 

* * *

Marvin trotted over to the window. It was a lovely, lovely view and now it was all his. 

He'd actually done it.

He'd taken over Earth.

Well, America, anyway, which apparently was quite a large part of Earth. 

"What are you going to do now?" said the tired man in the corner. 

"Whatever I want to, ex-president Bartlett," Marvin said cheerfully. "And isn't that LOVELY? I have soldiers. I have my little flag, claiming this planet on behalf of Mars. And I can do anything I like." 

Bartlett nodded, then shifted a little. His chains clanked. "Did you have to put the flag up in here, son? On my head?"

"Why, yes, yes, I did," Marvin said, grinning mouthlessly. "I do hope it doesn't hurt, ex-president Bartlett. But this was the easiest way to demonstrate to absolutely everyone that I've won. Without even needing to use my entire force of freeze dried soldiers! You were sensible to surrender, ex-president Bartlett. I've done it. I'm finally here. This is my big office now. My big desk. My big plush carpet. My flowers. My tiny row of ants marching across the desk. Hello, ants! Isn't this lovely?" 

It was definitely lovely. This America place was quite beautiful, especially the flowers, though he didn't so much like the odd colours at the tops of them. When he was properly running the world, he'd get people to cut off the yellow and blue and pink petals and just leave the stalks, the prettiest part. 

When he had everything running properly, he'd get Acme to open up a factory in America. That would keep his new subjects busy working, and it'd also provide him with all the munitions he needed. Just LOVELY. 

"But it's not right without someone by your side," Bartlett said. Marvin glared at him, ready with a withering retort, but then the door at the other end of the cavernous office slid open. 

Marvin looked up, and took a deep breath as HE came through the door. Same trenchcoat, same blue eyes, same hips. . .

"Hello, Marvin," he said gently. "It's been a long time."

Marvin blustered, "How did you get in here? I had guards! Many guards!"

"I have this," said another familiar voice. Dodgers entered the room, with his webbed feet making smacking noises on the polished wood. He waved his dehydrator at Marvin. 

Marvin clenched his little fists. "I'm not angry," he said sadly. "Just terribly, terribly hurt. I'll find a way to defeat you both. This isn't over."

Jack moved closer. Marvin was vaguely aware of one of the humans with him rushing to ex-president Bartlett's side. "Actually, it is," Jack said. He held his hands spread apart, showing that he wasn't armed. Or wasn't visibly armed, at least. Marvin knew Jack was tricky. "I'm sorry, Marvin. I'm sorry about everything that happened with us."

"You are not," Marvin said miserably. He felt inside his skirt for his raygun. He'd imagined for years what he'd say if he had Jack in front of him again, and he couldn't remember any of it. The devastating putdowns. The calm but reproving comments. The references to Jack's inability in bed -- which would be all lies, of course, as Jack was the best lover Marvin had ever had, EVER. 

"Please don't do that, Marvin. I'm sorry. We just weren't meant to be." 

There was a dapper man standing only a pace behind Jack. "Is it him? You're with him now? Why wasn't I good enough?" The dapper man flinched. Marvin noticed him exchanging glances with the other people in the room, all of whom were standing in that particularly casual way that said 'I don't have a gun but if you do anything I might remember that oh yes I do actually have one and I'm quite good at yanking it out from wherever I've got it hidden, ha ha ha, little Martian man'. 

"You -- you don't have a mouth, Marvin," Jack said sadly, taking another small step towards him. "And while I'm not speciesist; I'll screw anyone willing at least twice, because I have to be sure, I've found I am oralist. I need mouths. I like mouths. It's not you. It was never you. It's me." 

Marvin felt tears welling up in his big white eyes. He took out his Acme Mark 1 Raygun. "Really? I -- I'm sorry, Jack. I thought it was because you hated my mother." 

"Oh, no. Mother Marvin was always lovely to me, even if she did try to poison me that one time. And I've got a Mark 1 vest on underneath this, so don't try that." 

"They were meant to be chocolate chip cookies," Marvin said sorrowfully. "She didn't realize that chocolate chips and gravel chips aren't interchangeable. So that means, uh, that means that a few things that happened to you after that, they, um, might've been my fault. This is the Mark 1 with the Mark 0.5 upgrade? So it's really a Mark 1.5, though the labelling's incorrect."

Jack hunched in on himself, and gave Marvin a strained smile. He perched on the edge of the big desk, and patted the space next to him, inviting Marvin to sit down, too. Ex-president Bartlett made a strangled sound. "So when my exhaust blew up? And my coat stank like motor oil? And I needed that special ointment? I also put on Owen's special radiation sunblock this morning, guaranteed to repel all forms of UV radiation, and Acme rayguns up to at least a 3.0. I think it works on grease, as well, which would explain why I kept sliding off my chair in the plane earlier." 

Marvin hopped up next to him. It was good to see Jack again, even like this. "Oh. I didn't do the last one," he said in surprise. He handed Jack the raygun. There was no point. 

"The ointment one? Huh." 

Ex-president Bartlett came forward, running his hands through his thinning hair. "I believe our boy Marvin here is a little lonely," he said. 

Jack nodded. "All the accomplishments in the universe don't mean a thing without the right person by your side, sir, you're right. I think I have the right person here for Marvin. Daffy?"

"It's Dodgers," the black duck growled, but there was no heat in it. He folded his wings across his body. "What do you want, Harkness?"

"You're in love with Marvin, right?"

Dodgers -- Daffy -- slumped. Marvin watched him in utter, utter shock. "It was bad, fighting him all this time," he said softly. "So bad. But I knew I had to, for the safety of the Earth. Marvin. . .?"

"Yes?" Marvin said, not sure what he wanted to hear at this point. Did Daffy really. . .?

"I do love you."

"Oh."

"That's all you can say?"

Marvin hopped down off the desk, and walked forward. He swallowed, hard, which was again something that was quite difficult without a mouth. "I think I love you, too, Daffy. I'm sorry."

Daffy nodded slowly, then he looked down at Marvin. Marvin saw the edges of his beak beginning to lift in a smile. "We can't just be all 'Yoicks, away!' now, though," he said. 

"I know, but we could work up to that," Marvin offered. 

"I'd like that," Daffy said. "I'd like that a lot." 

They walked slowly out of the room together, ignoring the mutters from behind them in favour of the happy music that seemed to be playing. 

"Never thought I'd meet anyone stranger than CJ."

"Everything all right, sir?"

"It will be, son. It will be." 

Marvin tentatively took Daffy's wing in his hand. There seemed to be names passing backwards across their faces, which was odd, but certainly not the oddest thing he'd ever experienced. "Thank you, Daffy," he whispered. Now he had a place. A home. He didn't need to conquer any more. 

 


End file.
